The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006
50. Ryan Seacrest
Charges: The white man's Casey Kasem. Catchphrase, "Seacrest out," was so despised he was forced to drop it. "Dishes" stories. Approaching hosting ubiquity; may soon be on all television channels. An experimental super-soldier of the vanillification agenda, Seacrest emcees a weekly assault on good taste called "American Idol," poisoning the minds of our children in a preemptive strike against decent music of the future. Ended the year being out-charisma’d by a stroke victim on "Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2007."
Exhibit A: "I am looking forward to being part of the E! team. This unique opportunity allows my company to take the next step in providing multimedia content."
Sentence: Head permanently lodged in Brad Pitt’s ass.
...
3. George W. Bush
Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.
Exhibit A: "The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."
Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.
2. Richard Mellon Scaife
Charges: The patron saint of rich radical right wing fuckheads. Thanks to a massive fortune bequeathed to him by his superior ancestors and an unhinged reds-under-the-bed paranoia, hateful billionaire Scaife has deluged the worst elements of conservative opinion ghettos with cash, creating an evil empire of artifice. If you’re a malicious prig who can’t distinguish between Democrats and Stalinists or you’re just an amoral mercenary asshole, hang around long enough and Scaife will give you a million dollars. Take a whiff of any breathtakingly cynical PR shitbomb fired at a Democrat since back when the Clinton impeachment was just a gleam in his eye, and you’ll detect Scaife’s noxious aroma. If it’s a fascist think tank with a deceptively benign name or an out and out attack machine with a story about Barack Obama and a dead underaged hooker, you can bet the house that Scaife is the shadowy son of a bitch behind the operation. Since illegally financing Nixon’s campaign in 1974 ($990,000 in $3,000 checks to 330 front organizations), Scaife’s given hundreds of millions to every major bullshit factory in America—The Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute, the Arkansas Project, Accuracy in Media, the Media Research Center, GOPAC, the Cato Institute, the American Prospect, Newsmax and a hundred others, as well as a significant fraction of the other names on this list. More than any other individual, this black hole of integrity is responsible for the alarmingly powerful network of phony experts and coordinated liars devoted to tricking you into voting against your own self-interests in service of the richest people in the world—like Richard Mellon Scaife.
Exhibit A: Scaife once dispatched a reporter from his comically Orwellian Pittsburgh Tribune-Review to Northern Pennsylvania to follow up on a "tip" that Russian soldiers had invaded Alleghany National Forest.
Sentence: Drowned in George Soros’ excrement.
1. John McCain
Charges: The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America the he could go around kicking puppies all day and he’d be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.
Exhibit A: "I hated the gooks, and I will hate them for as long as I live."
Sentence: Back to the bamboo cage.
(The other 46 are here.)
Charges: The white man's Casey Kasem. Catchphrase, "Seacrest out," was so despised he was forced to drop it. "Dishes" stories. Approaching hosting ubiquity; may soon be on all television channels. An experimental super-soldier of the vanillification agenda, Seacrest emcees a weekly assault on good taste called "American Idol," poisoning the minds of our children in a preemptive strike against decent music of the future. Ended the year being out-charisma’d by a stroke victim on "Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2007."
Exhibit A: "I am looking forward to being part of the E! team. This unique opportunity allows my company to take the next step in providing multimedia content."
Sentence: Head permanently lodged in Brad Pitt’s ass.
...
3. George W. Bush
Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.
Exhibit A: "The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."
Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.
2. Richard Mellon Scaife
Charges: The patron saint of rich radical right wing fuckheads. Thanks to a massive fortune bequeathed to him by his superior ancestors and an unhinged reds-under-the-bed paranoia, hateful billionaire Scaife has deluged the worst elements of conservative opinion ghettos with cash, creating an evil empire of artifice. If you’re a malicious prig who can’t distinguish between Democrats and Stalinists or you’re just an amoral mercenary asshole, hang around long enough and Scaife will give you a million dollars. Take a whiff of any breathtakingly cynical PR shitbomb fired at a Democrat since back when the Clinton impeachment was just a gleam in his eye, and you’ll detect Scaife’s noxious aroma. If it’s a fascist think tank with a deceptively benign name or an out and out attack machine with a story about Barack Obama and a dead underaged hooker, you can bet the house that Scaife is the shadowy son of a bitch behind the operation. Since illegally financing Nixon’s campaign in 1974 ($990,000 in $3,000 checks to 330 front organizations), Scaife’s given hundreds of millions to every major bullshit factory in America—The Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute, the Arkansas Project, Accuracy in Media, the Media Research Center, GOPAC, the Cato Institute, the American Prospect, Newsmax and a hundred others, as well as a significant fraction of the other names on this list. More than any other individual, this black hole of integrity is responsible for the alarmingly powerful network of phony experts and coordinated liars devoted to tricking you into voting against your own self-interests in service of the richest people in the world—like Richard Mellon Scaife.
Exhibit A: Scaife once dispatched a reporter from his comically Orwellian Pittsburgh Tribune-Review to Northern Pennsylvania to follow up on a "tip" that Russian soldiers had invaded Alleghany National Forest.
Sentence: Drowned in George Soros’ excrement.
1. John McCain
Charges: The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America the he could go around kicking puppies all day and he’d be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.
Exhibit A: "I hated the gooks, and I will hate them for as long as I live."
Sentence: Back to the bamboo cage.
(The other 46 are here.)
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