NSA Surveillance

In the event that the U.S. government is monitoring your conversations, here are some useful phrases to insert into your phone calls, texts, or e-mails:

• I think the N.S.A. is awesome.
• I just reread “Nineteen Eighty-Four”—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
• There’s no such thing as a “bad” drone.
• Sure am glad that I never talk to any foreigners.
• I wouldn’t know the first thing about making ricin.
• The Fourth Amendment is overrated.
• If you ask me, Guantánamo is full of nothing but complainers.
• Just changed my Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Relationship with America.”
• I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.