The Case Against Summer

P.J. O'Rourke on why Americans vacation their pants off—literally, in the case of middle-age men—but stink at relaxing.

By P.J. O'ROURKE
WSJ

The logical argument contra summertime should be four words long: middle-age men in shorts. Q.E.D.

Alas, shorts are being worn year-round by us graying porkers with legs as ugly as stump fences—if stump fences had hairy varicose veins. But there are plenty of other things wrong with summer, starting with the fact that it comes at the wrong time of year.

In the contiguous 48 states, the best weather isn't in June, July and August. Spring is glorious in the South. Fall is splendid in the North. And winter is swell in Florida and the part of California where the four seasons are Smog, Mudslide, Brush Fire and Oscar.

Our summer weather in 2011 consisted of tornados, heat waves, an earthquake and a hurricane. For everyone this side of Nome, summer vacation in the summer is like having a coffee break at 2 a.m.

Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past.

(More here.)