See...we are all experts

by Bill in Portland Maine
Wed Sep 03, 2008
from DailyKos

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Welcome to Osmosis University!

Last week the Republican party rolled out a line of logic that instantly raised America's IQ by several points. Fox News's Steve Doocy and John McCain's wife, Cindy, explain...

Mr. Doocy: "But the other thing about [Sarah Palin], she does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska right next door to Russia."

Mrs. McCain: "You know, the experience that she comes from is what she’s done in government, and remember, Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia."

We all know Republicans can say some pretty crazy things, so I decided to test their theory of Proximity/Absorption Intelligence Design. Turns out they're right!

Maine borders Canada, so I'm a foreign policy expert.

The Atlantic Ocean laps at the Maine coast, so I'm now a marine biologist and a Coast Guard Admiral.

I live next to a Burger King, so I'm a Chef de Cuisine.

I live next to the Dollar Store, so I'm qualified to chair the Federal Reserve.

An old lady lives next door, so I'm president of the AARP.

I live "next to" the moon, so I'm a NASA rocket scientist and an astronaut.

I live close to a church, so I'm the Pope. (Okay, a Pope)

There's a parking lot across the street, so I'm in line to be the next Secretary of Transportation.

I am a high-priced prostitute and there are...um...actually, there are no high-priced prostitutes anywhere near me.

Okay, so it's not a perfect theory. But thanks to the Republican party's out-of-their-gourd-the-box thinking, my resume is now ten pages long---with virtually no fluff!

What, or who, do you live next to, my little geniuses?