An interview with Indie the Bison — or is it Buffalo?

by Leigh Pomeroy

I'm sick and tired of politics, particularly negative advertising and public broadsides coming primarily from the GOP side. But the Dems are not innocent either, and when they start slinging mud it makes me doubly sick since theoretically they should know better.

As far as I'm concerned, any candidate that deals in deceptive negative advertising deserves no one's vote. And as for party leaders accusing the other side of this 'n that 'n the other thing — well, that just reminds me of very poor playground behavior. No wonder so many Americans are so disengaged that they refuse to vote.

You know what? I can't blame them.

The bright side is that from time to time humor emerges, which is, no doubt, one reason why Jesse the Body was elected governor of our fair state in 1998. Minnesotans wanted a leader who would make them laugh and feel good, not one who made them want to shake their heads in disgust. Or for that matter, throw up.

Independence Party gubernatorial candidate Peter Hutchinson is trying to recapture some of that Jesse myth. He's definitely having a better time at the debates with competitors Pawlenty and Hatch, both of whom seem earnest but wooden. And now he and the Independence Party have unveiled a new website called "Ask Indie", which invites anybody to ask a question of a talking buffalo in an onscreen video.

Well, it's not a real buffalo. It's actually a guy dressed up as a buffalo from the waist up, except for a tie. From the waist down he's wearing what appears to be a pair of Dockers and some fuzzy slippers on his feet. The setting is a very nice office replete with stuffed bookshelves, a desk, a globe and an easy chair.

Indie (the buffalo) sort of wanders around the room waiting for the viewer to ask him a question by typing it into a box below the video. If you don't ask soon enough, he bugs you about it in a faux English accent — e.g., "This is a website, for goodness sakes, so let's move it. Shall we?"

There are some suggested questions on the site, but I decided to ask Indie some of my own. Here is what transpired:

ME: Indie, what do you think of your predecessor, Jesse Ventura?

INDIE (a trombone magically appearing in his hands): We've elected an Independent candidate before, and we can do it again. This time our guy won't have the burden of celebrity status to muck things up. (He tosses the trombone offscreen with a CRASH.)

ME: How about Tim Penny?

(A photo of Tim Pawlenty appears in the lower left corner of the screen.)

INDIE: T-Paw! I've definitely had paw-lenty of this leadership. If he used his governor job as any more of a political steppingstone, his shoe prints would clearly be outlined on the State Capitol dome. He's the definition of a career politician.

ME: No, I said "Tim Penny", not "Pawlenty".

(No answer. Just a no-no and "shame on you" gesture.)

ME: OK, maybe you don't like the quotation marks. Let's try it again. Tim Penny, not Tim Pawlenty. No quotation marks.

The Pawlenty photo reappears, along with the same answer about "T-Paw".

ME: All right, let's try something else. What do you think of taxes?

INDIE (pulling a small, metallic-looking elephant from behind his back): Ah, Republicans. (The Pawlenty photo reappears.) They're the ones causing 50% of Minnesota's partisan infighting. (He tosses the elephant offscreen. SOUND OF BREAKING PORCELAIN.) For the cause of the other 50%, refer to the term Democrats.

I think about how I'm going to phrase the next question, but apparently I'm taking too long.

INDIE: Shall we do it now? Oh, let's. Let's, let's, let's.

ME: Let's what?

INDIE: Look, I graduated cum laude from a notable Ivy League school for gifted bison. But I don't know everything.

ME: OK, OK. Just for equal time's sake, why don't you tell me what you think about that other guy you're running against — Hatch?

(Again magically, blue boxing gloves show up on Indy's hands, and a picture of Mike Hatch appears in the lower left corner of the screen. A DING.)

INDIE: Mike Hatch, as in hatching a plan to keep Minnesota politics going in the same divisive direction. He's a stroppy sort. I like his tenacity. But if he spends any more time holding grudges, he's going to throw his back out. (A CRUNCH.)

ME: All right, one more question. I know Peter Hutchinson is very interested in reforming health care in Minnesota. What can you tell me about that?

It's the elephant and the "Ah, Republicans" answer again.

ME: OK. Just Peter Hutchinson, then. We'll keep it simple.

(An easel with a photo of Hutchinson appears to Indy's right with the words "Peter Hutchinson, Governor" superimposed underneath.)

INDIE: Peter Hutchinson is Team Minnesota's candidate for Governor. With Peter Hutchinson you'll get honesty, common sense, plenty of good ideas, and most importantly, no partisan politics.

ME: Well, Indie. I'm ready to wrap up this interview. So I guess I'll just say, "Good night and good luck!" See ya later, I'm sure.

INDIE: Look, I graduated cum laude from a notable Ivy League school for gifted bison. But I don't know everything.

ME: Oh, wait. One more thing. Are you a buffalo or a bison?

INDIE (dancing in circles): That's better suited for other candidates who like to dance around the issues.

After all this I figure Indie has got to be a politician — maybe even Peter Hutchinson dressed up like a buffalo. You know why I think this? Because Indie always has to get the last word in.