America: Have you lost your mind?

Dear America:

Hi, it's Canada. Just thought I'd drop you a line to catch up. I know we haven't corresponded in a while and I just wanted to check in and make sure you hadn't, you know, completely lost your mind.

Because, golly, I have to tell you, it sure looks that way from here.

We're all pretty darned worried about you up here, pal. You don't seem at all yourself lately. For starters, I know you're only 240 years old but you might want to think about setting up an eye exam. You seem to be losing your vision. And I've never seen you so grumpy. Is this some kind of weird, middle-aged crisis or something?

And what's with all the hate? I mean, don't take this the wrong way, pal, but have you been tested for Dementia? You're like a different guy all of a sudden. Maybe it's Alzheimers?

You know, your memory does seem pretty sketchy lately. You're telling me you have no recollection of all of those immigrants who built you? All those people you welcomed with… how did you put it again? Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free ? Man, I gotta tell you, pal, that was some inspired stuff. And that Constitution of yours?

Wow. You were on your game back then, dude.

So, what the Hell, exactly, is going on these days? I don't know if you've noticed but you've got a guy in the race for president who we wouldn't trust running a chip truck. I mean, he's nothing more than a bully with bad hair. And you're about to hand him the keys again? Dude, you used to despise guys like him. Remember when we all got together and tuned up that German moron? You were awesome then. And the rest of us, well, we kinda looked up to you. Now, jeeze, I don't know.

Look, we grew up together. I'm probably your best friend. Heck, our yards are right beside each other. And I understand we've had our ups and downs... I mean, I know you're still steamed about us burning your capital and handing you your ass at hockey every time you turn around and our beer is way better than yours and your health care system blows, but still... We're buds, right? Who totally had your back during that Iraq WMD snafu?

So, I'm telling you, as your friend... love you bro, but you re being a tool.

You're better than this. Remember who you used to be and, come Election day...fix it.

Love and Poutine,

Canada

— Durham resident Neil Crone, actor, comic, and writer